On July 21, I wrote my first blog to memorialize the death of my grandmother. She had lived a very full life of 98 years. Despite her long life, my family and I grieved our loss.
Today, I write to memorialize another tragic loss. Most of you were not aware that Windy and I had undergone in vitro fertilization this past summer and were sucessful in getting pregnant. From the beginning it was a rollercoaster ride of despair, anquish, excitement that seemed to never end. Yesterday, the rollercoaster ride ended in the death of our 11 week old future child. Windy and I went for our fourth ultrasound yesterday full of hopes and expectations regarding our lives as parents-to-be. Our hopes were dashed when the ultrasound indicated that our child's heartbeat had stopped and that he (I had referred to our future child as our "little fellow") had most likely died two days or so following our last ultrasound. To add insult to injury and further challenge our emotions, the doctor informed us that Windy needed to have a surgery today to remove the unborn child. To undergo a natural misscarriage at this stage of development could be very painful and dangerous to Windy and may not occur for several weeks. Today, this whole experience was finalized as Windy underwent a D&C procedure. Our "little fellow" is no more. We grieve!
Our only tangible sign of her pregnancy are our photos of the little fellow at day 3 (8 cells) and at weeks 7 and 8. These photos previously gave us great joy. Now they serve as a reminder of what might have been. We look at these photos and we grieve!
Despite both of us being under 40, both Windy and I have undergone our share of grief. Windy's grandmother died prematurely (early 60's) when Windy was in high school. Her dad suffers from pulmonary sarcoidosis, sleep apnea, seizures, and has had a couple of heart attacks. Windy has a host of other ailments that have caused us to grieve--multiple sclerosis, endometriosis, thyroid eye disease. The endometriosis has caused fertility issues for Windy that are compounded by my own fertility issues.
Windy and I have longed endlessly to be blessed with a child of our own. To attempt to become pregnant has posed risks of its own as Windy must halt all treatment for MS in order to try to become pregnant. Imagine risking severe disability for just the possibility of having a child. That is what Windy did. IVF offered Windy and I the opportunity to become parents and overcome all of our other issues. The IVF process consisted of approximatley 2 months of preparation which consisted of daily and sometimes twice daily injections of medications, invasive ultrasound procedures as often as 3 times per week, numerous blood tests and to cap it all off a discovery that Windy is a carrier for cystic fibrosis. The preparation was followed by the transfer of 3 heaven -sent embryos into Windy on July 29. About two weeks later, we were informed that we were pregnant. The subsequent weeks were filled with the rollercoaster of emotions that I mentioned previously combined with 2 months of daily intermuscular injections following the discovery we were pregnant. We were faced with fears of an ectopic pregnancy which ultimately were unfounded. The first ultrasound didn't detect a heartbeat which was caused despair. The second ulrasound was completely normal and the little fellow's heart was beating. The third ultrasound confirmed continued normal growth and development of the little fellow that provided us with immense joy and set our expectations to new heights. We even began thinking about baby clothes, furniture, etc. Without our knowledge, this little life was apparently cut short just days after our elation.
Now we grieve. Windy wonders aloud why God is punishing her. I am dumbfounded by our loss because against my nature, I've been optimistic about this process all summer. Windy and I, with what I believe to be God's providence, had overcome over 12 obstacles with which we were faced in getting pregnant. I was certain that God was in this process and that he was blessing us with His special child for us. Now, I'm left wondering not only "why me?" but also "why anyone?". How can a child that is so loved and desired be lost so early? What does God have planned for us? How can this tragedy fit into God's plan? We ask these endless questions to which we have received no ready answers. Maybe they can't be answered. Still, we grieve!
Now, where do we go from here? Windy and I are convinced that we would be great parents. Any child of ours, would of necessity, have to be a little confused as Windy and I disagree about many things. We are very different people with very different personalities, but we were united as never before in our desire for this child. We grieve at the loss of this child. We grieve at what lays in store for us. How might we in the future be blessed with a child? How might MS affect this future. Now, not only do we grieve, but we have fear about our future.
Please pray as we grieve that God would illumine His path for us and help us to understand how this tragedy fits into his plan. Pray that we would not be overtaken by anger at God. Pray that God would somehow bless us with His special child.
