On July 21, I wrote my first blog to memorialize the death of my grandmother. She had lived a very full life of 98 years. Despite her long life, my family and I grieved our loss.
Today, I write to memorialize another tragic loss. Most of you were not aware that Windy and I had undergone in vitro fertilization this past summer and were sucessful in getting pregnant. From the beginning it was a rollercoaster ride of despair, anquish, excitement that seemed to never end. Yesterday, the rollercoaster ride ended in the death of our 11 week old future child. Windy and I went for our fourth ultrasound yesterday full of hopes and expectations regarding our lives as parents-to-be. Our hopes were dashed when the ultrasound indicated that our child's heartbeat had stopped and that he (I had referred to our future child as our "little fellow") had most likely died two days or so following our last ultrasound. To add insult to injury and further challenge our emotions, the doctor informed us that Windy needed to have a surgery today to remove the unborn child. To undergo a natural misscarriage at this stage of development could be very painful and dangerous to Windy and may not occur for several weeks. Today, this whole experience was finalized as Windy underwent a D&C procedure. Our "little fellow" is no more. We grieve!
Our only tangible sign of her pregnancy are our photos of the little fellow at day 3 (8 cells) and at weeks 7 and 8. These photos previously gave us great joy. Now they serve as a reminder of what might have been. We look at these photos and we grieve!
Despite both of us being under 40, both Windy and I have undergone our share of grief. Windy's grandmother died prematurely (early 60's) when Windy was in high school. Her dad suffers from pulmonary sarcoidosis, sleep apnea, seizures, and has had a couple of heart attacks. Windy has a host of other ailments that have caused us to grieve--multiple sclerosis, endometriosis, thyroid eye disease. The endometriosis has caused fertility issues for Windy that are compounded by my own fertility issues.
Windy and I have longed endlessly to be blessed with a child of our own. To attempt to become pregnant has posed risks of its own as Windy must halt all treatment for MS in order to try to become pregnant. Imagine risking severe disability for just the possibility of having a child. That is what Windy did. IVF offered Windy and I the opportunity to become parents and overcome all of our other issues. The IVF process consisted of approximatley 2 months of preparation which consisted of daily and sometimes twice daily injections of medications, invasive ultrasound procedures as often as 3 times per week, numerous blood tests and to cap it all off a discovery that Windy is a carrier for cystic fibrosis. The preparation was followed by the transfer of 3 heaven -sent embryos into Windy on July 29. About two weeks later, we were informed that we were pregnant. The subsequent weeks were filled with the rollercoaster of emotions that I mentioned previously combined with 2 months of daily intermuscular injections following the discovery we were pregnant. We were faced with fears of an ectopic pregnancy which ultimately were unfounded. The first ultrasound didn't detect a heartbeat which was caused despair. The second ulrasound was completely normal and the little fellow's heart was beating. The third ultrasound confirmed continued normal growth and development of the little fellow that provided us with immense joy and set our expectations to new heights. We even began thinking about baby clothes, furniture, etc. Without our knowledge, this little life was apparently cut short just days after our elation.
Now we grieve. Windy wonders aloud why God is punishing her. I am dumbfounded by our loss because against my nature, I've been optimistic about this process all summer. Windy and I, with what I believe to be God's providence, had overcome over 12 obstacles with which we were faced in getting pregnant. I was certain that God was in this process and that he was blessing us with His special child for us. Now, I'm left wondering not only "why me?" but also "why anyone?". How can a child that is so loved and desired be lost so early? What does God have planned for us? How can this tragedy fit into God's plan? We ask these endless questions to which we have received no ready answers. Maybe they can't be answered. Still, we grieve!
Now, where do we go from here? Windy and I are convinced that we would be great parents. Any child of ours, would of necessity, have to be a little confused as Windy and I disagree about many things. We are very different people with very different personalities, but we were united as never before in our desire for this child. We grieve at the loss of this child. We grieve at what lays in store for us. How might we in the future be blessed with a child? How might MS affect this future. Now, not only do we grieve, but we have fear about our future.
Please pray as we grieve that God would illumine His path for us and help us to understand how this tragedy fits into his plan. Pray that we would not be overtaken by anger at God. Pray that God would somehow bless us with His special child.
6 comments:
Dennis and Windy, You have our deepests prayers and support.
w & mr. w - you are so loved. no words can even be spoken for the sorrow i feel for you two. i hate the cruelty of this world...but rest in the peace that He knows what He is doing. lil fellow is with Him...through your time of grief - this journey might seem to have come to a hault for now but remember, one day you will get to meet your lil fellow. peace to you my friends
Dennis and Windy, where do those of us who love you and care for you begin to express our sorrow? The promise of a new life was shared in our hearts as surely as the pain of your grief now is. We love you and wish that things were different. You look for the answer for the nagging question, “Why?” I’m not sure there is an answer. All I know is that life is frail and fragile and sometimes it ends before it even begins. I also know that God loves ultimately and perfectly and nothing about this event makes sense in light of that love.
Many times, when I am with grieving families, I take the time to remember a person’s life. I talk of the many accomplishments, the high points, the remarkable things that gave dimension to a person’s life. Awards, graduations, gifts given. This day is different. For we grieve not at the passing of one who lived a long life, spanning many years, but today we grieve over a life that had such potential that we all longed to see fulfilled. Every parent has dreams for their child. We have our hopes, our expectations. We have to wonder what your child’s life could have been like. Could he have played 2nd base on the school team? Would he have learned the saxophone and played in the marching band? Would he have learned to play the guitar and been the center of his youth group? Would he one day marry and have kids of his own? Who’s to say? There are things about his life that we will never know, things about which we can only dream and wonder. And it’s okay to have those thoughts.
But instead of talking about what could have been, I want to take a few moments to talk about what we do know about his life. He died knowing some very important things. Much has been written, researched, and discovered about what infants know and understand, while still forming in the womb. They began to recognize sounds, voices, even the emotions of those around them. Some parents will play classical music for their child to learn. Others will read books to their yet, unborn child. I swear that our son Andy, would stop crying whenever he heard the Andy Griffith theme song because we watched that show so much when Linda was pregnant.
What did your son know? There are some things we can acknowledge with certainty. He knew the love of his father, Dennis. Somewhere along this roller coaster ride he must have felt the compassion of his heart. He heard his father’s voice many times. He heard his father use that name, “Little Guy.” He certainly felt his compassion and love. Even in the womb, he could sense the quickened heartbeat of his mother whenever Dad was around. He died, knowing the love of his father.
He also knew the warm embrace of his mother. There is always a special bond between a mother and child. There is a mysterious closeness never equaled in any other way. Ever watch a pregnant woman during pregnancy? How many times do they rub their tummies, softly caressing the child within? A child in the womb can feel that touch. A child can sense the love that’s conveyed when mom holds her hand next to his heart. For weeks, this child has felt the warmth and the love and the compassionate care of his mother. He knew her voice as well. He heard the sweet whispers, and the silent longings.
He also knew the tender care and grace of God. Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I consecrated you.” God has already loved this child and showered him with grace. In fact, God has known him long before he was even conceived. And you can have the peaceful assurance that this son today is not far from the hands of Almighty God.
There are some things that he died not having to know. In the innocence of the womb, he never had to learn of hatred. He never learned of greed. He never had to see first-hand the prejudice that this world can offer. He never had to have someone explain to him about war and why men kill each other. He never had to know poverty or hunger or fear. He never had to hear of abuse, or see injustice, or cry over man’s inhumanity to man. He never had to know about disease or sickness. He never had to hear a word spoken in anger. He never had to experience sin and separation from God.
He was innocent and pure and loved of God. Mark 10:15 reminds us, “If you don’t enter the Kingdom of God as a child, you will never enter it at all.”
There is a simple child’s prayer that comes to mind… “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray Thee Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray Thee Lord, my soul to take.” We leave this moment in time with grief to be sure, but we also leave it with great hope. For the God Who loves us, has also loved your child. And He will keep him close by His side, till that day, you arrive to claim him again.
We love you
"Aunt Nikki"....This is the title a loving gentleman at church has been calling me. For many months my church family in New Orleans have been following the progress of our baby-to-be. All of the new mothers have encouraged me to get lots of practice with their little ones since I would be an aunt soon. I have learned things about babies I never knew before and I have spent lots of time in the crib room practicing the correct way to burp a baby. Of my church family, one particular couple have been very supportive of the two of you with prayers and hopes. This couple, George and Janice have much in common with you both. Although they are much older than the both of you, they understand the hardships of living with MS. Janice suffers from MS and she was so thrilled to hear when I was to be an aunt. She and George started calling me "aunt Nikki" a few weeks ago. I would turn that name over and over in my mind. I really enjoyed the ring to it. It will be very difficult to inform all those around how the baby plans were not yet to be.
I, like both of you, had been thinking of baby clothes and names and how I would be the best aunt in the world. I also felt a massive pain this week when I got the phonecall that caused our entire family such anguish. I truly wish I could take away your pain or ease it in some way...I cannot. All I can do is let you know how much I care for you both...You are both constantly on my mind and in my prayers.
I wish I had words of wisdom or encouragement..all I have is "I love you." (Plus - Dr. Roebuck is much more eloquent.)All I have is this little child-like faith telling me that God is still in charge. I don't understand it and at times, like today, I don't see Him or His plan clearly. Yet...I know, in the deepest part of my heart, that He is here. To wrap His arms around us and love us. I pray for His love to continue to weave itself through every part of your day.
I have decided to keep my new name, "aunt Nikki". For a short time we had the hopes of a beautiful baby. Although I may not physically get to hold my niece or nephew, I still know that I am an aunt. I rest in the fact that this beautiful child never feels the pain of this world and that they get to see a home that I have yet to experience. I am sure that he knew the love of two parents and a Father who created him to enrich their lives, even if just for a short time.I can't wait to meet him.
I love you both!
Aunt Nikki
Windy and Dennis, my heart is crying with you now. I believe that child is in the arms of Christ who also knows and feels your pain. And in my heaven, there will be reunions of such love that we can't even imagine the beauty of such moments. Calvin and I are praying for your healing and strength during this time. We love you.
What wonderful words Jon offered you. None are adequate. I grieve with you. I too love you and pray for you that you will be able to trust God -- the one that's present, the one that knows, the one that loves in a way we can't. May you rest --
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